This motherhood thing...

So I just realized tonight how much time has passed since little Beckett entered our world. He is 7 1/2 months and I have just gotten to the point where I have had a little down time to think about how much my world has truly changed and I how I have changed as a person for the better. Beckett's birth was such a life-changing experience, as I'm sure it is with most people, but when it happens in your own little world it really is amazing. I can honestly say I bonded with Beckett the moment I laid eyes on him, I cried my eyes out. I just stared at him and cried. I thought he was so precious and I knew in that moment I would spend my entire life protecting him. I didn't anticipate to feel that strongly but I'm so grateful for those intense emotions.

Beckett was the most aware newborn. He would stay awake for 3 or so hours at a time, I had no idea how incredibly odd this was. He loved to stare at the world around him. So many people asked me if he "was a good baby?" what the heck does this mean? I have nothing to compare it to. Beckett was (and still is) an extremely spirited little boy. It has taken me this long to realize this is his personality. I spent months agonizing about what I was doing right and wrong, why didn't he sleep more? Why did he always have to be right next to me? Why didn't he just lay in his car seat like most babies? I was convinced that I had not inherited the mother gene haha. I can honestly say those first 4 or so months were the most difficult of my life. I was completely sleep deprived. Marc and I decided early on that until he was older we didn't want him to cry too much. Not sure if this was a good or bad decision but its the one we made. We rarely went out because Beckett would get fussy at night and frankly we were just more comfortable at home. I think we spent about 80% of Beckett's first few months bouncing him on the birthing ball trying to get him to go to sleep haha (great way to lose those pregnancy pounds by the way). It was very difficult. But we came through it together and in one piece.

We gave this little spirit every ounce of energy we had. At first I was so frustrated with him being so demanding, but once he hit about 4 months I realized how truly special his personality really is and I was so completely in love with him because he had taught me to be completely selfless. I gave up sleep, energy, having a life, having a clean house, watching any of my shows, shopping, pretty much everything. All I did was dedicate myself to this little guy who needed me.

Beckett started holding his head up on his own at 2 weeks. He started wanting to stand on our laps at 2 months, he started sitting pretty good at 5 months, crawling at 7 months, and he is currently working on walking and will probably be walking at 8 or 9 months. He is very persistent. He understands some of the sign language we use and he's completely obsessed with music. His mind is incredibly active. He is also one of the happiest babies, even though he doesn't sleep much he's happy pretty much all of the time and always has been. We spend so much time interacting with him that he remembers certain phrases and laughs every time we use them. He never ceases to amaze me, his mind is a sponge.

Beckett has always been a big healthy guy. He was born at 6 lbs 10 oz. He got to his birth weight in 2 days and at his 2 week appointment he had gained almost 2 pounds. At his 2 month appointment he weighed 12 lbs 6 oz. He had almost doubled his birth weight at 2 months, which is a 6 month guideline. He continued to gain well and at his 6 month appointment he weighed almost 19 pounds. Even though I worked he got exclusively breast milk until he was 6 months old, I had to pump while at work, but it was a goal I set for myself and it was a huge pain but I did it (we now supplement with some formula for his iron needs). He is so incredibly strong and active. When he was 5 1/2 months he started pulling himself up on furniture and at 7 months he could stand up not holding on to anything.

He's always been a terrible sleeper. Its a good thing I came from architecture school and was used to not really sleeping, but wow this was on a whole new level. When he hit the 3 month regression he was waking every hour this lasted for a month or 2. I found inner courage I never thought I had. I prayed more fervently than I ever have in my life. Finally at 5 months I decided that I felt comfortable with him crying a bit. We have a close friend who is a pediatrician and she had to sit me down and pretty much tell me what to do. I'm such a softie. Marc was really the backbone of our sleep training. Beckett was ready. He responded well. He still wakes up usually once a night but its definitely gotten better.

During all of this my biggest frustration was that other moms don't talk about their struggles. I thought I was the only one who was experiencing this and that I had no clue what I was doing. However I have since realized that this was part of Beckett's development and I have done everything in my power to help him progress.

This experience has helped me be a much more compassionate person. Marc and I have grown really close because we have helped the other person survive when they really needed help. We have laughed, cried, and collapsed in exhaustion together. We put Beckett to bed every single night together. I appreciate having such an involved husband.

Here's our cutie!!!

Beckett's Birth Story...warning VERY long!

This has taken forever to post...sorry very long!!!

I cant believe how long it has been since my last post. Things got crazy once I started working! My pregnancy went really well. I had no complications and I worked up until the very end. I did start to get uncomfortable around 37 weeks. My back started hurting and it took a lot of effort to move. I loved feeling the baby move. Beckett was REALLY active constantly kicking. In fact we had one scare where I didn’t feel him kick for an hour so I went to the OB Emergency but everything was just fine. I also had TONS of Braxton hicks contractions from about 23 weeks. At the end they started to get really strong but not too painful. We continued to walk the dogs every night for an hour and that really increased the Braxton Hicks. I started having all these weird things happen near the end I constantly thought I was going into labor. haha! I think I called my mom everyday wondering if I was in labor.

Going to work became difficult and I considered taking my leave before he came but I decided I wanted to spend every second with the baby after he was born so I just stuck it out. I think everyone in the office was worried I would have the baby at work! Haha. The week of Thanksgiving came and you still weren’t here. I told my project manager I would not be returning after the holiday. I was due on the Monday after Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was pretty low key. We decided to just hang out with Marc's parents. We ate and then watched a movie. During the movie Marc kept rubbing my belly he was very anxious for the baby's arrival. We decide to go on a hike the next day with Marc's mom. The past few days I had been feeling really good with lots of energy, which was depressing because I was convinced I would be late! So we went to the firebreak road to hike and we went like 5 miles. Marc now calls it the “labor inducer”. Haha. Some of the hills were pretty tough for me to climb being 40 weeks, I was HUGE! After that we went home.

That night during the night I woke up with some mild contractions. I didn’t sleep too well. I didn’t think anything of it though since I figured it was more pre-labor. The next morning I noticed bloody mucous when I went to the bathroom. I was SOOO excited I started shaking. I knew this was a good sign! I called to Marc and told him.  He was more skeptical than me. I had a labor inducing massage set up for that morning (Saturday) and he said I should still go and try to relax. I didn’t want to sit around and wait for contractions to start so I went. It was seriously amazing I should have gotten a massage much earlier in my pregnancy!!! I remember they had a full length mirror and I looked in and decided that I actually loved my body with my huge belly! I also remember thinking this is the last time I will see myself with my belly… I was right!

After the massage I went home contractions had still not started I was getting anxious. We decided to go walk the dogs and try to get baby boy out! While walking I was having intense Braxton hicks that were starting to change in how they felt. I thought I was going crazy but by the end of the walk I thought maybe I was transitioning into labor. However I quickly put that out of my mind because I had gotten my hopes up so many times. This was probably just false labor. We went home and by 6pm I was having mild contractions Marc convinced me to time them and so I did. By 10pm they were definitely stronger and about 7 minutes apart. At first they weren’t very regular but overtime they were getting closer and more regular! They were also getting pretty painful. I told Marc to go to bed, he would need his rest. At this point I knew I was in labor, because false labor wouldn’t go on for this long.

I was up in the nursery bouncing on the birthing ball and timing the contractions. I couldn’t believe how quickly they went from 10 min apart to 5. They were 5 min apart for like an hour. I had called my mom at 10 and let her know she was so excited she said she wouldn’t be able to sleep. I told her my estimate was that we would go to the hospital at Midnight and that I would text her. Well once my contractions were at 5 min apart for an hour I decided to wake Marc (he couldn't sleep). It was 12:30am. By the time we got everything together and left they were 4 sometimes 3 minutes apart. I knew you were coming! When we got to the hospital I was in so much pain all I could do is stand there hunched over the bed and cling to the tray. It was awful! When they hooked me up my level of intensity for my contractions was off the charts! The nurse was shocked. She checked my cervix and I was only at a 2+!!!!!!!!!!! I have never been so mad and scared. I had been laboring at home for like 6 hours and there was virtually no change in my cervix. I wanted to cry. They told me to go walk around for a couple of hours. Ummm yeah right! I can’t walk and when I have a contractions I am making all sorts of scary noises and my whole body stiffens up. I will scare the crap out of people.

So I told Marc I want to go home and get in the tub to see if that helps relax my body. They offered me a shot of morphine but I didn’t take it, which I greatly regretted later. So I got in the tub but it didn’t provide any relief mostly because I was in so much pain I couldn’t sit still! I got out and at this point my contractions were so painful I thought my body was going to  go into shock. I knew something was up so I told Marc we need to go back to the hospital even though it hadn’t been 2 hours. The ride to the hospital was the worst moment of my life. I was in indescribable amounts of pain and sitting while in that pain was absolutely miserable. Marc was letting me squeeze his hand and I was basically pushing my legs against the dashboard. I remember driving down South Temple and thinking…"I am going to die!" Marc wanted to push me in a wheelchair up to the OB emergency but I couldn’t even fathom sitting down. All those people (there weren’t many it was now 4 am) got quite a show of me trying to get through the hospital.

When they saw me walk in all the nurses went into panic because they knew I was in active labor. They hadn’t even had time to clean my room but I just went running in. The nurses tried hooking me up and checking my cervix but it was difficult with my contractions. I was just bent over the bed, my contractions couldn’t be monitored because they were so strong they didn’t show up on the printed chart. The nurse kept saying she was amazed at how well I was handling such intense contractions. I basically told her in a really nice way if she didn’t get me relief I was going to pass out. They checked me and I was at a 6 almost a 7!!!!! They went into full panic mode. I had gone from a 2 to almost a 7 in like an hour! The nurses were all running around like crazy calling the anesthesiologist, getting my IV inserted, and getting me ready to transfer to labor and delivery. They tried inserting my IV but because I was contracting so hard they had a hard time placing it and there was blood everywhere. When I saw the blood I was very confused I didn’t know where it was coming from. I was very out of it.

They were trying to get me to labor and delivery for fear I was going to be at a 10 in like 10 minutes and I wouldn’t have an epidural. I wanted to walk over there but I was so weak I couldn’t walk steady! So they made me sit, worst 2 minutes ever! We got over to labor and delivery and Marc was holding me during each contraction. I was a mess. The anesthiologist came rushing in to give me an epidural, I have seriously never been so excited to see another human being in my life. I was near shock at this point my entire body was shaking uncontrollably. I told him to hurry. Haha. He was giving me all the risks and I was just laughing…I said “do I look like I care about the risks”. Haha. So he started. Weirdest feeling ever! You can feel something moving up your spine! Mine wasn’t like a shot it was something inserted so they could keep administering medicine continuously. While he was placing it Marc passed out! I freaked! I was so worried about him. They called some nurses in and he came to, in a way it was good because I was so distracted. After that they made him sit. He says it was the smell of the antiseptic that made him woozy! Once the epidural kicked in I was a happy woman.

 Marc and I decided we needed a little rest before trying to push. We let everyone know that baby was on the way and everyone was so excited!!! When we woke up my mom showed up and Marc's parents arrived. Before they came in Marc played “Hello World” on his phone and we held hands and cried because we couldn’t believe Beckett was about to join us. It was one of my best memories to date with Marc. Everyone visited for awhile before we started pushing. Everyone stayed except for the grandpas they waited in the waiting room. They told me it would take 2 or 3 hours to push you out. I said “Heck no, I’m getting this kid out.” At this point I was feeling great. That hour rest gave me tons of energy. They gave me a pushing lesson and I was ready. I felt so comfortable the nurse and resident doctor were awesome and so motivating! It was so calm and everyone was laughing and having a good time. They were giving me great advice and making me feel like a champ. My mom was holding one of my legs and the nurse was holding the other one. Grandma Kaylene was holding my head up and Marc…well he was just enjoying the show (too excited he was completely useless)!



Once we could see your head Marc got so excited saying “he has hair!!!!” We both thought you would be bald. I just kept pushing and watching Marc's face was priceless he was in utter shock and was so excited practically bouncing around the room! I just kept pushing and the resident doctor had to step out of the room for a minute and we kept pushing. Well after the second push the nurse was like, “I better get the doctor back in here!” I couldn’t really feel that I was getting that close. But then the resident and doctor came in the room and after a couple of pushes Beckett was born. It was seriously the most amazing feeling to see him for the first time. I was a sobbing mess. Marc was right by me and we were just overjoyed. I probably kissed him a million times! He was absolutely the most adorable thing I had ever seen. I thought the room was going to burst with love! There are no words to describe how much love I felt I wanted to stare at him forever. We tried nursing and it went really well. I held Beckett next to me for a long time. Those first few moments were so precious I will never forget them. Once we were settled everyone came in to admire you. They weighed and measured you…6lbs 14 oz and 19 ¾ inches long.

I seriously could not have asked for a better experience, but next time I want my epidural before I get to 7 centimeters! haha!