ho hum....

Thanks Kristen for forcing me to repost this....

I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. School has been hard in a different way this semester. My schedule is weird, most of my classes are at night. It's good though because I get to spend time with the pups in the morning. Its been a lot less busy too (totally relative its still crazy sometimes) which I thought would be a good thing, but it actually has been worse for me. It gives me more time to think about how positively miserable I am. Of course I am grateful for school and all the opportunities I have had but I've sorta reached the end of my rope with the whole thing. I'm just tired. I'm tired of having my life controlled, never having any money, never seeing my husband, never wanting to go to church cause I just want to hibernate I am so exhausted, tired of being held mentally hostage, etc. Whew I got it all out that felt good.

You know architecture school is a unique experience, it literally takes over your life. I have been less busy this semester because I have refused to let it take over my life. I have been good about taking personal time for myself to exercise and get enough rest. I act like I decided this but in reality I am just dealing with a serious case of senioritis. I'm just worn out and have absolutely no motivation. The funny thing is even though I have been putting in less time I think my grades will be about the same. I guess I'm just working smarter and faster. If I only give myself an hour to do something I'll still get it done.

So every day on my drive to school I have a serious pity party. The whole way there I think about how miserable I am. Marc has been doing a lot of pep talking which has helped immensely. I think after you deal with stress for so long your body and mind just sorta give up. I'm at that point. I mean I've been burned out before which after a break I usually perked back up and regained my energy. But after Europe I just never could get into the swing of things, which after a few months I realized that it was sorta a permanent change. I guess that happens when you've been in school 7 years.

That was when I realized I was just going to have to gut it out. You know the last mile of a run when all you want to do is collapse. But this is good for me because I feel like every minute I have to suffer through I am getting stronger. I am appreciating people more and I am getting closer to my Heavenly Father. I listen to church music at school while I work because it helps me stay positive and not have a melt down.

I'm sure people at church think I'm so weird. I just have a hard time relating to anyone. What could they possibly know about what Marc and I deal with every day. Maybe its just we have lost all sense of dealing with people on a social level. We haven't been to a movie in like 6 months, because we just hole up on the weekend and sleep. Oh yeah and play with our pups. Our neighbors across the street are in a similar situation, she is in her pediatric residency up at primary children's hospital. Most the time we just sit on the porch (at like midnight, which we have had people in our neighbor complain about...apparently porches aren't for sitting and talking) while the pups play and talk about how people are so stupid.

Marc and I are excited to move outside of Utah. While there are many things to love about living here some people are just so annoying it kills me. The stuff that people are worried about is like they don't realize that they are ridiculously blessed compared to the rest of the world. I mean seriously do something useful with your time. Ok enough crazy ranting for one evening.