You get what you want

yep. that's me.

I really can't believe I am posting this picture but this is something I struggle with and blogs are not just about fluff. I have struggled and am still struggling with serious body image issues and I think its worth talking about since most of us struggle with this at one point or another. So this is me in 2006 about 9 months after I got married. I think I gained a total of 40 pounds...but like Marc always tells me its not about the numbers.

I look at this picture and I see unhappiness. I was adjusting to marriage at 19, I missed my family, we didn't have time or money, we were both struggling to get through school, etc. It was just a hard time. The weird thing about body image is that its all mental. At the time this picture was taken I really had no idea I looked like this. I mean I had bought some new clothes gradually, but my mind didn't connect with my body. It's so weird how that can happen.

Then one day I snapped...this was not the person I wanted to be! I remember Marc telling me..if you aren't happy then do something about it. I think to this day I have kept that motto with just about everything. No one is responsible for my own happiness but me, and I don't want to be that person that sits around and complains. So from that point on I began running about 4 days a week...well only walking at first. Marc helped me with some other work out regimens he did on the tennis team...in the beginning we went to the Weber State gym just about every day. We also completely changed the way we were eating...slowly. We stopped eating anything processed, the worst thing we have in our house is tortilla chips for salsa. It was a complete change of lifestyle.

I think it took about a year to get most the weight off and then another year to get the last 10 pounds. I don't remember because once I started working out consistently I became so much happier that losing weight was just an added benefit. Things went so much smoother because I had a different mindset.

At some point Marc claims I became slightly addicted to exercise/anorexic. This is where the body image issues began. I could have gone completely downhill if not for Marc. My mind was still disconnected with my body. Even after I had lost the weight I was still eating/exercising the same. I don't think I had a sweet food in about 2 years. No cookies..nothing. My mind had been programmed and it is VERY difficult to undo that. When I looked at myself I saw the same overweight person. Seriously I had no idea what I looked like. At one point Marc, trying to convince me I looked good, had me try on some jeans from high school that had all been put away. Guess what? They fit. I remember being so confused. For about a year Marc and I played the "am I about her size" game. We would see girls and Marc would say I was smaller or bigger than that girl. I know this sounds weird but it helped me see myself from the outside.

One thing that Marc really helped me with was not being obsessed over the number of pounds you weigh. It is really inaccurate. In fact Marc took away the scale for awhile. We started going by body fat percentage. Also I had a goal weight (which I still haven't met) but he helped me realize that it isn't about that number...every body is completely different. It's a better determiner to find a clothing item you want to fit into and work towards that. I have a pair of H & M pants that I love. I fit into them but they are pretty snug. That is my goal.

Fast forward several years. Erik took this picture of me a couple of weekends ago when we were in Bluff. I still automatically think...is this me? But its getting better. All I know is that I am 20X happier with my life...and I'm HEALTHY. Not skinny but HEALTHY. In the past year my self image has greatly improved. It' a hard thing to recover from...I still have a nervous attack when I have to wear a swimsuit somewhere.

I've also started eating normal...that probably happened about 2 years ago. I pretty much eat whatever I want. I just eat unhealthy foods seldom...but I do do it. Last week my teacher had us over for a party and I ate 6 slices of pieces of pizza...out-eating all the guys who were very impressed. You can do that once in while as long as you are exercising regularly. You have to or you will go crazy.

Its also been nice having Newton. He forces us to get out and exercise. We run/jog about 15-20 miles a week and the days we don't run we walk Newton for about an hour. Its been awesome.

Thanks for letting me vent this. I came home last night after running 6 miles in 50 minutes with Newton and I finally realized that I was the happier person that I want to be.